i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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