I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
