Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
