1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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