God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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