You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
