my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
