Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Hungover. No words. Just memes.