MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
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Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
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All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.