You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell