i need an iv and a liver transplant
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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