oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
