oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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