My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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