70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
