how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
