Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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