Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The dick lei will go down in squad history
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
