I'm so fucking centered right now
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
