I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
