I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
