The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
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my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
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