4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
