her vagina looked like bernie madoff
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
