I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
