OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
