i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
