Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
