This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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