when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
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She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
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I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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