you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
