Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
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