chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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