I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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