If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
