life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
