someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
