You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
