I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
