So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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