I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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