ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
