I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
