I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
