I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My vagina just clenched in fear
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
