I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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