I got chris browned last night
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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