you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
