I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
