I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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