Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
