how can u be prego again
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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