508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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