Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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